CATHERINE, writing a letter to Jamie.

CATHERINE:

I could have a mansion on a hill.
I could lease a villa in Seville,
But it wouldn't be as nice
As a summer in Ohio
With a gay midget named Carl
Playing Tevye and Porgy.

I could wander Paris after dark.
Take a carriage ride through Central Park,
But it wouldn't be as nice
As a summer in Ohio,
Where I'm sharing a room
With a "former" stripper and her snake:
Wayne.

I could have a satchel full of dollar bills,
Cures for all the nation's ills,
Pills to make a lion purr;
I could be in line to be the British Queen,
Look like I was seventeen,
Still I'm certain I'd prefer
To be going slowly batty
Forty miles east of Cincinnati.

I could shove an icepick in my eye,
I could eat some fish from last July,
But it wouldn't be as awful
As a summer in Ohio
Without cable, hot water,
Vietnamese food,
Or you.

I saw your book at a
Borders in Kentucky
Under a sign that said
"New and Recommended."
I stole a look at your picture
On the inside sleeve
And then I couldn't leave.

Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet,
Then he said,
"All things considered,
I guess you don't have to buy it."
So I smile like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down!
He wants me, he wants me,
But he ain't gonna get me!
I've found my guiding light--
I tell the stars each night:
"Look at me! Look at him!
Son-of-a-bitch!
I guess I'm doing something right!
I finally got something right!"

No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way.
I play "Anita" at the matinee,
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
I can state in my next bio:
I'm never gonna go back to Ohio!

I could chew on tin foil for a spell!
I could get a root canal in Hell,
But it wouldn't be as swell
As this summer is gonna be!
'Cause the torture is just exquisite
While I'm waiting for you to visit,
So hurry up, schmuck, get unstuck and get on the scene!
Love,
The Midget, the Stripper,
Wayne the Snake
And Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein--
That's me!